When I began to push myself in an unhealthy way to finish the tarot, I found myself making choices that were influenced by the need to work faster. Sometimes I would do it consciously, and at other times I would do it unconsciously. Regardless of whether I was aware or not, there were times when I would sacrifice aspects of the visions I have had for each of the card's artworks in order to have the card painted faster. The powers that be, i.e. the energies I work with, will often allow me 'creative license' because sometimes the reference shots I use require that the vision evolve just a little, and sometimes my experience with the energy I write about will also influence what I paint. They rarely exert any influence other than to help me to see and understand what I am writing or painting about and I translate that as best I can. They have no other expectation except that I stay true to the 'energy' of each card. The only time they impede my flow is when I allow ego (the fearful aspect of my ego) to guide my brushstrokes.

After six weeks off, and having made the decision to allow the tarot to be finished when it is finished and not 'rush' it in order to meet my own self-imposed deadlines, I found myself looking at the queen cards and feeling that longing to create cards that were lush, detail-rich, and laced with harmonious symbology. This is how I initially wanted them to be, but fear and rushing had me restricting the composition of these cards.

Head and shoulder portrait shots were going to be faster for me to paint, but they were not going to give me what I wanted when it comes to pure, vibrant, gorgeous imagery, and you know what? If there is  one thing I've come to understand now is that what I feel should be happening with the cards is important. My intuition is always right, and when I use it, I am in harmony with the powers that be. We want the same thing.

Yes, it's taken me a while to get that, but when what you create is being created as part of the creator's healing process, then sometimes a lesson has to be learned a few times in order for it to stick. I have slowly but surely become more and more fear-LESS with regards to this tarot, and that is evidenced in the way the deck has evolved.

At first, I was going to do the 'safe' thing and do a Rider-Waite clone with the interpretation for each card altered to suit. But that's not what the PTB's wanted, and so I was nudged along, and taught lessons that would have me less afraid to 'think outside of the box'.

But then, when I started to think outside of the box, I had to lose the fear that others would think badly of me for breaking with tradition. I had to let go of the low self-esteem that had me believing that I was an unworthy nobody who had no right to believe that she could create something equal to the other tarots. Who would possibly be interested in using a deck created by an college dropout, housewife/artist who lives in one of the largest 'welfare' areas of Sydney's outer western suburbs? I am literally a nobody, but I have also come to understand that it does not matter who I am. What matters is what I create.

While I am both somebody and nobody, important and unimportant. I do still maintain that I am an ordinary person, but I am also a very special ordinary person because I love with such passion that I am willing to overcome any obstacle.

So I moved forward when I decided to break with tradition and rewrite the major arcana. I hedged my bets. The minor arcana would keep "traditionalists" happy and the new major would appeal those who found the old archetypes difficult to relate to and connect with.

As time went by, the cards taught me to be less afraid, to take more chances, and to not worry about what others thought. Whilst I peeled away layer upon layer of conditioning, the powers that be whispered about a new deck for a new era; one that was free of old dogma, but embracing of ancient wisdoms and universal truths in our present day. A lot of the energies that come to me are old; they are Ancients. What they teach me is universal and is all about knowing them through knowing self. They have taught me to know me, and this deck will be the means for others to know themselves.

Time flowed on, and with every new card, I became more self-aware, more confident, and more willing to break with tradition. At the end of last year, I finally let go of all fear and decided that the minor arcana would also be new and would not mirror other decks in any way. Finally, the entire deck embraced the newness that the powers that be wanted it to possess, and I was no longer fearful that it would not be welcomed. I know it will be. I have every faith that it will be as it is destined to be.

But other's disappointment in me is something I have been afraid of for a long time. Others disappointment in me has been a source of great hurt in my life. It is this fear that drives the manic side of my bipolar. It is behind my desire to be ever-improving, ever better, and ever-faster. If fear could not stop me in one way - my being afraid to break with tradition - it would manifest in another. My fear became a need to have the tarot completed because people wanted it and wanted it NOW. My fear began to manifest as an obsession to finish the tarot because to be the new tarot for the new era, it needed to be finished -before- December 20th, 2012. So I began to push to have the deck finished by the end of May, so my publisher could have it out by December.

I really do have to laugh when I think about what I wanted to accomplish, because it was an difficult task made impossible by the fact that I had decided to rewrite the minor arcana. This decision meant starting all of the illustrations for the minor arcana scratch.

I was, at the time of making my decision, expecting myself to paint 52 paintings in eight months. I can do 52 paintings in a year, but in eight months? It was a big ask, and I was so sure I could accomplish it, especially if I kept the artworks to a specific size, did not overwhelm myself with detail, and structured my week so I could paint at least two artworks every week.

Life, however, has a way of getting in the way of well-laid plans, and sticking to a regime of painting two paintings a week proved to be more and more difficult. So I worked faster. If I lost a week, I had to make up that time by pushing myself harder the following week. In the end, I was pushing to paint three paintings a week with no rest in between ... and very little sleep.

This need, this fear, and the stress it placed upon my body then pushed me into a manic state for the first time in over a decade. That's the thing with Bipolar II, the manic states can be years and years apart, while the depressive states can last for years and years. This is why Bipolar II is often misdiagnosed as depression. But that being said, I no longer see my Bipolar as an illness; it is simply how my brain is wired, and if there is harmful underlying conditioning that results in destructive patterns of behaviour, then that is what needs to be addressed. The physical side is just me; the rest of it is everybody else's shit that I have chosen to burden myself with and over the years embraced as 'truth' when it is not.

So, here I was allowing my fear of disappointing others to influence my creativity. For a wee bit after I switched back over into the depressive state, ie. when the reset button got hit, I found myself wondering why the powers that be allowed me to do what I was doing. Why had they allowed this to happen? But then I realised that my experiencing the mania was necessary in order for me to discover the way my fear of disappointing others was influencing so much of what I was doing. I had learned all I could learn about the fears that fed my depression, but I had no awareness of the fears that fueled the mania. To be whole, I had to know all of myself. The powers that be want me whole. I want me whole.

Who I am, my need for healing, has never polluted their messages for each card, or imposed itself upon the beauty of each card, because what I learn and experience and my understanding of my experience is at the foundation of many of them. It is only when I impose my fear upon the creative process I will be shut down. If I try to control instead of allowing the card meaning and artwork to evolve naturally. If I do, I lose inspiration and the ability to work on the artwork in front of me. I will simply not be able to paint it, and it freaks me out completely when it happens. To be creatively blocked is akin to being gagged and bound, and it happens only when I impose my fears/desires upon an image and try to control every aspect of its creation.

It was not until the very end of my manic state, when I enterred into what is called a 'mixed state' where depression and mania manifest at the same time, that ego began to impose itself and place limits and restrictions. Until I began to be drawn to painting the king and queen cards, I had allowed each and every artwork to be true to the visions I had been blessed with and also allowed them to evolve naturally if the need presented itself. What I did do was to push myself to paint them faster and faster. But when it came to the King and Queen cards, cards I knew were meant to be lush and twice the size of the other card's artworks, I allowed ego guide me and fear to take the reins.

The 'reset button' was pressed, and I hit the wall with the tarot, as I was painting the King of Water as a head and shoulder portrait shot. I struggled with that card, and while it is beautiful, and has integrity and power, it is just not what it was meant to be. The energy is pure, but the imagery is not true to the vision. The vision was of him from head to waist with breaking waves behind him, calm waters in front and his hands creating the safe harbour 'vibe' of the card. It was not far off. It is very close to being as it should have been, and so I was allowed to finish it.

But then, I started work on the Queen of Air, and they said, "Enough!" She still sits half painted where I left her. I may finish her one day, but only after she has been replaced with the artwork that is meant to be the Queen of Air.

Several days ago, I finally drew out all of the Queens as they are meant to be. It felt like giving birth, but I look at all four of them now, and I get that silly, happy, bubbly feeling in my stomach. I am excited. That each card is going to take me over a week to paint because of its size? *shrugs* I am now aware of the fear behind the desire to have them painted within a certain time-frame, and I am no longer catering to that fear. Oh yes, I will still feel its influence for a ways to come yet, because it is a fear I have carried with me for decades. It won't disappear in just a few short weeks, however, the more I reject the patterns that it inspires, the more fear-LESS I become.

The cards will be as they are meant to be, and I have had to learn, sometimes the hardest way of all, that I am the conduit. I am the physical creator the Divine works with and through in order to have something that is necessary created. I have had to let go of expectation and control during the process of the tarot's creation, because they will, and do, shut me down if I do not listen and give them what they need.

I am learning that when I give them what they need, I in turn am given what I need. I have been taught to fear-LESS, to be true to self, to stand in my own power, be strong and to shine. I have been taught to LOVE, and BE, and that I AM ... when I used to be everything limiting that came -after- those two small but powerful words.

I have reached another noteworthy moment in the tarot's creation. I am whole for the first time in my life. I am accepting of who I am for the first time in my entire life. I am no longer constrained by other's dogma, and now finally stand in my own power and embrace it fear-LESS-ly. I have finally let go of more of my fear-based conditioning, and as a result, the tarot will be even more powerful and more true to the visions I am sent.

These Queen cards are going to kick ass.